Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
