you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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