i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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