Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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