I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
