We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize