I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
