tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
