i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
