Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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