Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
