Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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