I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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