You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
