The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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