i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They took my balls.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
