I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
