My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
being pregnant is like rehab
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
