Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
