I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
