and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
