i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
