Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Randomize
