Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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