Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
