even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
