I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
