Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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