woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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