I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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