my mouth tastes like poor choices
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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