At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
