Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
