she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
