Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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