Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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