So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
