I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
