I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize