Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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