dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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