Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
and you fell through a lawn chair
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
