the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
