so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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