What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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