we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
