I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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