Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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