How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
