A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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