nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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