My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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