in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im holly from the hills drunk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
