I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
