You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
