the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize