the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
